No words to say, no emotions to show, no gestures to make, no deeds to do. Today I feel myself more of an object than anything else.
Where is the child that was once within me? Has he stopped talking to me as I always gave a deaf ear to his voice or is he dead???I
Weep weep & weep is the only thing my heart does... And when the pain exceeds it's limits, my heart
weeps blood. Even the blood is not red.
My shadow stares at me in the eyes and taunts me about what I am, how I am, the way I am. It laughs at me when I try to ignore it.
Each thought of mine makes me feel like a coward running from every situation unable to face it. What do I fear to loose?
My dreams are shallower than a dead men's eyes. The darkness is killing. Thousand lit lamps just emitting smoke and failing to throw even a single ray of light.
Is this just a passing moment that I have to deal with and later forget it as a nightmare or is it a turn that my life took getting me on the road to my death???
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Friday, November 6, 2009
One Eyed Barbie
“Have you ever thought how would it feel if you have just a name and no surname? What would you do, if you have to live in isolation, much much away from the world that exists everywhere around you, but not for you? Ever thought of realizing one day that you are the beloved of none? ”
“I know how it feels.
Hi, I am Vrinda.
Vrinda… nothing.
That’s the way it is, for me. I’ve got no surname. Neither do I know my birth place nor do I know my birth time, unlike many. Surprised as to what am I saying? Don’t be. I am just an ordinary girl you have come across but with a few differences that discriminate me from the rest.
I was found lying on the door-mat early morning, when some maid was passing by. I was just 5 days young then. I don’t remember anything of those days but I surely remember my childhood. I never had the luck to open my eyes in the morning to the thousand different names that a mother calls to her kid. Neither had a day when someone would sit besides me, running her hands through my hair and asking me to get up and see how beautiful the day was, how amazing the sun looked or how sweet were the songs of the bird. Getting up from the bed by the irritating screams of warden was a routine. Very next thing I used to do was to get to work that was assigned to me following the daily chores. I have heard people saying that being a child is fun, but I ask, is it really? No, not for me. When you were busy studying in schools and your parents planning for your colorful future, I toiled all day concerned more about my present. When you feasted upon the mom made delicacies I starved many a days hoping for some god-sent to come and feed us.
Festivals are really worth keeping memories of, though different reasons for different people. I still remember the Diwali, I was 12 years old. I saw lights, sound and cheer in the world all around me. We always had someone or other to come over Diwali and gift us with new-old clothes, sweets and sometimes fire–crackers. But this diwali was different. I and my friends were eagerly waiting with our eyes glued on the road that comes to our door to see if someone was coming with BIG parcels but we never saw anyone coming. The day turned from cool morning to the sun scorched afternoon to the mild evening and finally the day turning dark with the sunset. We were all waiting till we realized time when the clock struck 9 and we were called for dinner. We all got up with a huge disappointment. Do not know why but I still believed that someone will surely drop in to surprise us - my god- sent. I was lying in my bed listening to the sounds coming from the neighborhood which was a mixture of music, crackers, laughter and happy cries. Suddenly I noticed a tear roll down my cheek from the right eye. I had never cried till this day, no matter what life made me face, but today, it was uncontrollable. What seemed to be a small tear from the eye turned out to be a stream with low sobs and a pinch in the heart which no medicine can cure. That was the day I realized how unwanted I was.
The night still scares me, when I had worked throughout the day, though it was pouring like cats and dogs, just to make sure that we get at least two square meals for few more days. Next thing I can remember is at 2 am in the morning shivering on my sleeping mattress and yawning continuously indicating that I was feeling cold and needed some warmth. I can hardly get up from the mattress and was scared to call warden to come to my rescue. I wished I had someone besides me, to listen to my soft painful moans, put a blanket on me, rub some balm on my body and make sure that I was warm till I doze off calmly. But it was a wish that can never be approved for me, a dream that can never come true.
I often hear, ‘mothers are angels’. But mine was not. Today I want to ask you, my angel, if you are listening to me. Why was I given birth, when all you wanted to do with me was throw me away at someone else’s door? Was I so bad, that you had to put me away from yourself, lifelong? Didn’t you think, as to who will care for me? Who’ll listen to my cries and understand that I am hungry, if not for you. Who’ll hold my finger and teach me to walk and run? Who’ll wipe my tears when I fall and bruise my knee? It is really scary, Mom, to face this world when I know that I do not have you to make me feel good. When I have a fight I do not have Dad to go to, who would advice me to be strong and promises to take away all my worries. I miss those warm n affectionate hugs and embraces that I have read in many books.
If God is the one who sends us all to earth, I would like to ask him today, if he exists, what wrong I have done for you to punish me like this. Why did you wanted me to be treated like some waste lying in a garbage bin? Why did you make my mother such stone-hearted that she mercilessly disowned me? Am I like the worn out toy that needs to be put away before the child gets scared playing with it or am I your un-worthy and undeserving child? Or like sometimes people say, am I the unwanted outcome of the moments of pleasures that my parents had?”
“I know how it feels.
Hi, I am Vrinda.
Vrinda… nothing.
That’s the way it is, for me. I’ve got no surname. Neither do I know my birth place nor do I know my birth time, unlike many. Surprised as to what am I saying? Don’t be. I am just an ordinary girl you have come across but with a few differences that discriminate me from the rest.
I was found lying on the door-mat early morning, when some maid was passing by. I was just 5 days young then. I don’t remember anything of those days but I surely remember my childhood. I never had the luck to open my eyes in the morning to the thousand different names that a mother calls to her kid. Neither had a day when someone would sit besides me, running her hands through my hair and asking me to get up and see how beautiful the day was, how amazing the sun looked or how sweet were the songs of the bird. Getting up from the bed by the irritating screams of warden was a routine. Very next thing I used to do was to get to work that was assigned to me following the daily chores. I have heard people saying that being a child is fun, but I ask, is it really? No, not for me. When you were busy studying in schools and your parents planning for your colorful future, I toiled all day concerned more about my present. When you feasted upon the mom made delicacies I starved many a days hoping for some god-sent to come and feed us.
Festivals are really worth keeping memories of, though different reasons for different people. I still remember the Diwali, I was 12 years old. I saw lights, sound and cheer in the world all around me. We always had someone or other to come over Diwali and gift us with new-old clothes, sweets and sometimes fire–crackers. But this diwali was different. I and my friends were eagerly waiting with our eyes glued on the road that comes to our door to see if someone was coming with BIG parcels but we never saw anyone coming. The day turned from cool morning to the sun scorched afternoon to the mild evening and finally the day turning dark with the sunset. We were all waiting till we realized time when the clock struck 9 and we were called for dinner. We all got up with a huge disappointment. Do not know why but I still believed that someone will surely drop in to surprise us - my god- sent. I was lying in my bed listening to the sounds coming from the neighborhood which was a mixture of music, crackers, laughter and happy cries. Suddenly I noticed a tear roll down my cheek from the right eye. I had never cried till this day, no matter what life made me face, but today, it was uncontrollable. What seemed to be a small tear from the eye turned out to be a stream with low sobs and a pinch in the heart which no medicine can cure. That was the day I realized how unwanted I was.
The night still scares me, when I had worked throughout the day, though it was pouring like cats and dogs, just to make sure that we get at least two square meals for few more days. Next thing I can remember is at 2 am in the morning shivering on my sleeping mattress and yawning continuously indicating that I was feeling cold and needed some warmth. I can hardly get up from the mattress and was scared to call warden to come to my rescue. I wished I had someone besides me, to listen to my soft painful moans, put a blanket on me, rub some balm on my body and make sure that I was warm till I doze off calmly. But it was a wish that can never be approved for me, a dream that can never come true.
I often hear, ‘mothers are angels’. But mine was not. Today I want to ask you, my angel, if you are listening to me. Why was I given birth, when all you wanted to do with me was throw me away at someone else’s door? Was I so bad, that you had to put me away from yourself, lifelong? Didn’t you think, as to who will care for me? Who’ll listen to my cries and understand that I am hungry, if not for you. Who’ll hold my finger and teach me to walk and run? Who’ll wipe my tears when I fall and bruise my knee? It is really scary, Mom, to face this world when I know that I do not have you to make me feel good. When I have a fight I do not have Dad to go to, who would advice me to be strong and promises to take away all my worries. I miss those warm n affectionate hugs and embraces that I have read in many books.
If God is the one who sends us all to earth, I would like to ask him today, if he exists, what wrong I have done for you to punish me like this. Why did you wanted me to be treated like some waste lying in a garbage bin? Why did you make my mother such stone-hearted that she mercilessly disowned me? Am I like the worn out toy that needs to be put away before the child gets scared playing with it or am I your un-worthy and undeserving child? Or like sometimes people say, am I the unwanted outcome of the moments of pleasures that my parents had?”
Saturday, September 5, 2009
...and Chintan gets rejected
Summers had always been fun for me. Though it’s quite hot and people sweat a lot, stink like pigs, but I really enjoy the summers in India. Along with the sweet songs of the cuckoo, it brings along sweet mangoes. Summers in India also ensure holidays, of at least a month, in schools and colleges. This was so true when I was in school. But as people say, as you grow, your sources of happiness change too. Same happened to me.
The last summer I encountered, I really loved it. Along with the things mentioned earlier that still interest me much, what I loved is, many around me getting married. So the last summer was a complete wedding season. Life would never have been so colorful for me, if it was not for these weddings. Weddings in India are given the utmost importance and are the biggest celebration that any individual can come across in a single lifetime. People who know about it will agree that earlier it was quite simple when parents used to select a suitable girl for their son or a rich groom for their daughters and those two souls would marry and become one and remain so throughout their lives. But with changing times, this ritual has changed. Now the boys and girls are in the so called 21st century and when asked to marry, they always ask for the best they can get, leading to increase in the pains of their already hapless parents. As everyone wants something different and someone special, someone unique, few even end up marrying jokers.
I really appreciate people who opt for love marriages. Some fall in love and some dive into it. They at least find the person to spend life with who is equally idiotic as them. At least they spare their folks & relatives from this mess. And all those who will go the other way, have already set their standards, and are constantly endeavoring for the same. No matter what, they cannot compromise for what they ask from life.
Talking of this, a female friend of mine has made up her mind to settle down in life (these are the kind words they use to pronounce that they soon want to get married and mentally disturb the guy) and her parents are all set to find her a life partner. She too is no less when things come to her expectations about a boy she wants to marry (and settle down in life). She is a girl who looks good, beautiful actually, and the type one would really like to see or love to be seen with. But like every coin that has two sides, she too has some flaws and that makes her human.
Just like every other girl we meet, she thinks that she is the best and she deserves the same. So she just came up with a small list of things she wants in her life partner. To start with, the boy should be a US or UK resident whose family home is in Mumbai. It’s not that she is crazy about staying in US or UK. But she thinks that way her family will have a chance to visit (her and the tourist sites) abroad at lesser expenses. The family home at mumbai confirms that some day if the tide of bad luck hits her beloved husband, she’ll fly down to India, only to live in Mumbai and not some, god knows what and where, village. She can be closer to her own family and can visit them at her ease and liking. She herself being an engineer doesn’t want the boy to be an Engineer or a Chartered Accountant, because her “Grand Mother” says, that all these professionals are boring and they lack the spark to enjoy the Life. So she wants some businessman or an architect to settle down with. Her granny may be right, but I really appreciate the “experience” she might have had with these professionals.
She wants her to-be-husband to be fair and presentable, not for the reason that she is all crazy about fair guys or that she is a racist, but for two small and simple reasons, one being she wants to have fair looking kids and other (and the most important), she does not want to spoil her wedding album by marrying some ugly looking idiot.
She also wants the guy to be rich, own (at least) a pent house and a BIG car, so that she can roam around freely within the house, and when out, she does not have to bear the pains of people pushing each other in trains and buses to which she was habituated since childhood. She says it’s just that she wants to change her habits, so why not this. True she is, all bad habits should be changed after all and charity begins at home, so why not have a better and bigger home to begin the charity.
Along with all these, she foremost needs a boy who is understanding – the one who can bear all her tantrums she throws, caring – who pampers her with all the stupidity in the world and will call her most idiotic names ever devised on planet earth, loving – will say ‘I Love You’ whenever un-necessary, humorous – she really hunts for a joker to entertain her, but at the same time she wants someone serious and responsible enough - to take blame of all the fights they had and accept that he is the real pain in the * * *.
When her parents were just about to loose hope of her getting married, she had an offer from a boy (ChintanKumar) who was almost there and our to-be-bride had just started liking him. That’s when her family (suddenly) discovered that he had a younger sister, and our princess did not want any sister-in-law, as she was not in a mood to quarrel over little things with her, about the normal stuff that Indian sister-in-laws fight over. She says being in one such family may bring in family politics which she will not be able to handle.
I really doubt if she’ll get all the features in a single guy but I hope that she gets all that she wants, if not for her, for her dad (poor soul), who’ll have to bear her till she gets married. So till the time we (finally) find a Mr. Right for her, she can keep rejecting guys and make them think how much more stupid they need to be, to impress a girl like her.
For now, Chintan gets rejected.
The last summer I encountered, I really loved it. Along with the things mentioned earlier that still interest me much, what I loved is, many around me getting married. So the last summer was a complete wedding season. Life would never have been so colorful for me, if it was not for these weddings. Weddings in India are given the utmost importance and are the biggest celebration that any individual can come across in a single lifetime. People who know about it will agree that earlier it was quite simple when parents used to select a suitable girl for their son or a rich groom for their daughters and those two souls would marry and become one and remain so throughout their lives. But with changing times, this ritual has changed. Now the boys and girls are in the so called 21st century and when asked to marry, they always ask for the best they can get, leading to increase in the pains of their already hapless parents. As everyone wants something different and someone special, someone unique, few even end up marrying jokers.
I really appreciate people who opt for love marriages. Some fall in love and some dive into it. They at least find the person to spend life with who is equally idiotic as them. At least they spare their folks & relatives from this mess. And all those who will go the other way, have already set their standards, and are constantly endeavoring for the same. No matter what, they cannot compromise for what they ask from life.
Talking of this, a female friend of mine has made up her mind to settle down in life (these are the kind words they use to pronounce that they soon want to get married and mentally disturb the guy) and her parents are all set to find her a life partner. She too is no less when things come to her expectations about a boy she wants to marry (and settle down in life). She is a girl who looks good, beautiful actually, and the type one would really like to see or love to be seen with. But like every coin that has two sides, she too has some flaws and that makes her human.
Just like every other girl we meet, she thinks that she is the best and she deserves the same. So she just came up with a small list of things she wants in her life partner. To start with, the boy should be a US or UK resident whose family home is in Mumbai. It’s not that she is crazy about staying in US or UK. But she thinks that way her family will have a chance to visit (her and the tourist sites) abroad at lesser expenses. The family home at mumbai confirms that some day if the tide of bad luck hits her beloved husband, she’ll fly down to India, only to live in Mumbai and not some, god knows what and where, village. She can be closer to her own family and can visit them at her ease and liking. She herself being an engineer doesn’t want the boy to be an Engineer or a Chartered Accountant, because her “Grand Mother” says, that all these professionals are boring and they lack the spark to enjoy the Life. So she wants some businessman or an architect to settle down with. Her granny may be right, but I really appreciate the “experience” she might have had with these professionals.
She wants her to-be-husband to be fair and presentable, not for the reason that she is all crazy about fair guys or that she is a racist, but for two small and simple reasons, one being she wants to have fair looking kids and other (and the most important), she does not want to spoil her wedding album by marrying some ugly looking idiot.
She also wants the guy to be rich, own (at least) a pent house and a BIG car, so that she can roam around freely within the house, and when out, she does not have to bear the pains of people pushing each other in trains and buses to which she was habituated since childhood. She says it’s just that she wants to change her habits, so why not this. True she is, all bad habits should be changed after all and charity begins at home, so why not have a better and bigger home to begin the charity.
Along with all these, she foremost needs a boy who is understanding – the one who can bear all her tantrums she throws, caring – who pampers her with all the stupidity in the world and will call her most idiotic names ever devised on planet earth, loving – will say ‘I Love You’ whenever un-necessary, humorous – she really hunts for a joker to entertain her, but at the same time she wants someone serious and responsible enough - to take blame of all the fights they had and accept that he is the real pain in the * * *.
When her parents were just about to loose hope of her getting married, she had an offer from a boy (ChintanKumar) who was almost there and our to-be-bride had just started liking him. That’s when her family (suddenly) discovered that he had a younger sister, and our princess did not want any sister-in-law, as she was not in a mood to quarrel over little things with her, about the normal stuff that Indian sister-in-laws fight over. She says being in one such family may bring in family politics which she will not be able to handle.
I really doubt if she’ll get all the features in a single guy but I hope that she gets all that she wants, if not for her, for her dad (poor soul), who’ll have to bear her till she gets married. So till the time we (finally) find a Mr. Right for her, she can keep rejecting guys and make them think how much more stupid they need to be, to impress a girl like her.
For now, Chintan gets rejected.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Poll Dance
The title might get you thinking in the wrong direction, so let me clear your mind that it has got nothing to do with the grooving bars, where you would find some males stripping and females dancing around the poles with such pleasure as if they were born to do the same.
I just thought that, nothing is more HOTTER than votes n polls this summer, so why not pen down a few thoughts of mine about it. The best part about this polls is; whom so ever you elect to be your Netaa (Leader) they will make sure to suck the last drop of blood from your body. right now they are busy promising things to you, which you cant even think of. they are making everything sound so rosy, as if they all are dieing to serve Mother India, which we all are aware is not the case. But have you ever thought as to what lies beneath? what makes these jokers dance their best to worst of the tunes we may ever hear. I know a bit about it. Its the enormous heat of the CASH and POWER that makes them jump at certain intervals and looks as if
they are dancing.
Now lets talk of such top FIVE dancers who can move their shagging asses....
At No 5 is the Upcoming Prince of the No 1. party of India. A perfect replica of his father, but in this dirty world of politics, he too is busy showing off his good deeds. He has no clue about what actually is meant by Running a country, but he does it coz its in his blood.
At No 4 is the king pin of Indian politics. His only aim in life is to be the Prime Minister of India once, and the day he gets he gets on the seat, this bastard wont hesitate selling off Mother India. Thanks to him we eat Wheat woth 25/Kg n rice at 32/Kg, thanks to his idea of MCX.
At No. 3 is the Yedaa anaa, with his hair falling on his forehead, and his hair on ears makes him not listen to people pleading to stop corruption. He's the one who pushes the Indian railway intelligently, but how can one forget the "Gotaala" he had done of more than 1500 Crores. His aim is to smartly sweep off as much notes as he can, and he has already done in huge amounts.
At No 2 is the one of the most respected lady, the daughter in law of Mother India. Yes, she is the actual PM of our country. With her being the actual BOSS, the PM is just a bloody rubber stamp. She is one who stood up against all, and showed that nothing is impossible in India, if your surname is Gandhi.
Ladies n gentleman, boys n gals, now i give you the No 1. dancer of indian politics, the man who is dancing on the same tune since 1993, and still is so enthusiastic about the tune, that he feels we all love him doing the show. Yes, he is the show stopper, the eye catcher, the 'wanna be' of Jan Sangh. His fav. subject to talk is "Religious Disharmony". The man who cant solve the problem of Ram mandir since 1 decade talks of getting of getting the money back from Swiss Bank. He calls himself a true Hindu, True Hindu My foot. the only thing he'll do after he is appointed on the seat is "Videsh Yaatra", for no reasons at all.
So, in a nutsheel, who ever comes, has his own style of dancing, (dis)pleasing people and charging us big chunks of money (Illegally of course). So be smart and select someone who'll cost us the minimum, after all its this wise thinking that will help us survive this recession.
I just thought that, nothing is more HOTTER than votes n polls this summer, so why not pen down a few thoughts of mine about it. The best part about this polls is; whom so ever you elect to be your Netaa (Leader) they will make sure to suck the last drop of blood from your body. right now they are busy promising things to you, which you cant even think of. they are making everything sound so rosy, as if they all are dieing to serve Mother India, which we all are aware is not the case. But have you ever thought as to what lies beneath? what makes these jokers dance their best to worst of the tunes we may ever hear. I know a bit about it. Its the enormous heat of the CASH and POWER that makes them jump at certain intervals and looks as if
they are dancing.
Now lets talk of such top FIVE dancers who can move their shagging asses....
At No 5 is the Upcoming Prince of the No 1. party of India. A perfect replica of his father, but in this dirty world of politics, he too is busy showing off his good deeds. He has no clue about what actually is meant by Running a country, but he does it coz its in his blood.
At No 4 is the king pin of Indian politics. His only aim in life is to be the Prime Minister of India once, and the day he gets he gets on the seat, this bastard wont hesitate selling off Mother India. Thanks to him we eat Wheat woth 25/Kg n rice at 32/Kg, thanks to his idea of MCX.
At No. 3 is the Yedaa anaa, with his hair falling on his forehead, and his hair on ears makes him not listen to people pleading to stop corruption. He's the one who pushes the Indian railway intelligently, but how can one forget the "Gotaala" he had done of more than 1500 Crores. His aim is to smartly sweep off as much notes as he can, and he has already done in huge amounts.
At No 2 is the one of the most respected lady, the daughter in law of Mother India. Yes, she is the actual PM of our country. With her being the actual BOSS, the PM is just a bloody rubber stamp. She is one who stood up against all, and showed that nothing is impossible in India, if your surname is Gandhi.
Ladies n gentleman, boys n gals, now i give you the No 1. dancer of indian politics, the man who is dancing on the same tune since 1993, and still is so enthusiastic about the tune, that he feels we all love him doing the show. Yes, he is the show stopper, the eye catcher, the 'wanna be' of Jan Sangh. His fav. subject to talk is "Religious Disharmony". The man who cant solve the problem of Ram mandir since 1 decade talks of getting of getting the money back from Swiss Bank. He calls himself a true Hindu, True Hindu My foot. the only thing he'll do after he is appointed on the seat is "Videsh Yaatra", for no reasons at all.
So, in a nutsheel, who ever comes, has his own style of dancing, (dis)pleasing people and charging us big chunks of money (Illegally of course). So be smart and select someone who'll cost us the minimum, after all its this wise thinking that will help us survive this recession.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Age Dose Matters...
It was long ago, that my mom used to come running when i fell and scratched my knee. My dad worried when i came with the swelling below my eye, as i had a fight with someone. They used to make me feel that i am the best, over every small reason. I remember all the little things they did to me, to make me happy.
but the times have changed, as i have grown 23. the days are gone, when mom used to come and wake me up with different names given to me at that very instant. now she just comes into the room and yells that I'm already late for my office. she no longer asks me as to what will i like to have for lunch or dinner. i agree, she knows my fav. dishes already, but then too, it feels good when someone, specially your mom cooks something you want to eat that day. Dad is least bothered as to what i keep doing whole day on the net or on phone or at office. its just he asks me as to how my day was, and i reply the same saying, the day was good. once in a blue moon he asks about what exactly i am working on, and i reply with utmost boredom, as if i am not bit int rested in what i do at office.
i cant get a clue, as to when and where it changed, but i am sure, it wont have happened suddenly over a day. may be i was too busy with some stupid activity of mine to observe these little details. may be i was crazy for some girl, or might be i was too involved with newly made friends in college n school. i don't know and i never felt it till past few months. i felt it one day all of a sudden, when my mom told me that i am too old to sleep with my lap in her head. i never knew that age would play its role so bad in my life.
i sometimes feel like just lying down, with my head in my mom's lap, closing eyes, she caressing me, running her fingers through my hair, and i just forget the entire mean world, and try to sleep the most silent sleep i had in my recent past. i wish to let her know what all i feel about things going on around me, actions and people bothering me, activities i am int rested in, i just want to talk my heart n soul to her.
i wish someday i could tell my dad everything i go through the entire day, every thought that comes to m mind about what i want to be in future and what i want to do, or i am planning to start with. i want him to be my best friend, and let him know about the girl i love more than i have ever loved anyone in my life.
why do i sometimes feel that i should have had an elder brother or sister, with whom i could have shared a lot of talks. why do i feel the need of someone sometimes to understand me, to understand what i want in life. why do i feel, that i need someone who can just lend me his/her ear, and listen to all i have to say, without saying a word. is it that, we are running short of time? or is it, we don't have time for what SHIT i am telling now. may be, mom thinks i am too old to do such silly things. Dad might feel not great, when he himself is facing a lot these days. or is it just my perception, that i don't want to seem stupid, idiotic, non-sensible in front of all. i don't want my mom to think, that i am still a small baby,wishing his mother to take care of his everything. i don't want my father to see me as a complete looser, nor i want him to think of me as a desperate, who wants a girl in his life.
but i really feel that things change with the age. i just hope sometimes, i should have never grown this old. but then again i think, its my time to prove myself. its my time to let my parents know that they have given birth to a brave boy. i want my shoulders to be strong enough to bear all the load in life. i want to prove myself as he best kid the parents an ever have and i am ready to face anything and everything for this.
but the times have changed, as i have grown 23. the days are gone, when mom used to come and wake me up with different names given to me at that very instant. now she just comes into the room and yells that I'm already late for my office. she no longer asks me as to what will i like to have for lunch or dinner. i agree, she knows my fav. dishes already, but then too, it feels good when someone, specially your mom cooks something you want to eat that day. Dad is least bothered as to what i keep doing whole day on the net or on phone or at office. its just he asks me as to how my day was, and i reply the same saying, the day was good. once in a blue moon he asks about what exactly i am working on, and i reply with utmost boredom, as if i am not bit int rested in what i do at office.
i cant get a clue, as to when and where it changed, but i am sure, it wont have happened suddenly over a day. may be i was too busy with some stupid activity of mine to observe these little details. may be i was crazy for some girl, or might be i was too involved with newly made friends in college n school. i don't know and i never felt it till past few months. i felt it one day all of a sudden, when my mom told me that i am too old to sleep with my lap in her head. i never knew that age would play its role so bad in my life.
i sometimes feel like just lying down, with my head in my mom's lap, closing eyes, she caressing me, running her fingers through my hair, and i just forget the entire mean world, and try to sleep the most silent sleep i had in my recent past. i wish to let her know what all i feel about things going on around me, actions and people bothering me, activities i am int rested in, i just want to talk my heart n soul to her.
i wish someday i could tell my dad everything i go through the entire day, every thought that comes to m mind about what i want to be in future and what i want to do, or i am planning to start with. i want him to be my best friend, and let him know about the girl i love more than i have ever loved anyone in my life.
why do i sometimes feel that i should have had an elder brother or sister, with whom i could have shared a lot of talks. why do i feel the need of someone sometimes to understand me, to understand what i want in life. why do i feel, that i need someone who can just lend me his/her ear, and listen to all i have to say, without saying a word. is it that, we are running short of time? or is it, we don't have time for what SHIT i am telling now. may be, mom thinks i am too old to do such silly things. Dad might feel not great, when he himself is facing a lot these days. or is it just my perception, that i don't want to seem stupid, idiotic, non-sensible in front of all. i don't want my mom to think, that i am still a small baby,wishing his mother to take care of his everything. i don't want my father to see me as a complete looser, nor i want him to think of me as a desperate, who wants a girl in his life.
but i really feel that things change with the age. i just hope sometimes, i should have never grown this old. but then again i think, its my time to prove myself. its my time to let my parents know that they have given birth to a brave boy. i want my shoulders to be strong enough to bear all the load in life. i want to prove myself as he best kid the parents an ever have and i am ready to face anything and everything for this.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Heart has its reason which reason knows nothing of
Title is a reference to a very Schopenhauerian expression in Blaise Pascal’s Pensées. In original French: “Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas.”
The heart dwells on things that are illogical. It senses what cannot be seen or heard and thereby makes its decisions on what it feels. As there is no rational explanation for what the heart feels, it makes things all the more complex. The mind wants you to be happy in materialistic achievements, in being on the ‘safer’ side, in being content with goals that ‘seem possible’ to achieve; in leading the same monotonous though risk free, well paying life, but your heart doesn’t. Days pass on and we continue to be a slave of our mind, but in our heart the guilt keeps on increasing. The guilt of binding ourselves, the guilt of not chasing our dream, of not giving them a chance, of being bogged down by the fact that our dreams might never come true. The mind knows that the risk in pursuing is enormous, and hence not reasonable. But your heart wants you to go for it. Isn’t it? Heart believes in keeping HOPE. One of the great thinkers has said “You keep hoping, u keep living, stop hoping, u die, Inside.” Hope is about Imagining, Wishing and Believing. It keeps imagining things irrationally, then wishes for it to be successful and finally believing that it will be successful, however illogical it might be.
Falling in love is the paradigmatic example of an involuntary life-affecting desire. We don’t reason our way into love, and we typically can’t reason our way out: when we are in love, our intellectual weapons stop working. Falling in love is like waking up with a cold-or more fittingly, like waking up with a fever. This is a condition brought upon us, by some external force. Heart says that you are incomplete without the girl you love, that u want to be with her always, but the mind says that if the girl doesn’t want so, you may have to live incomplete all your life, and that life still has to move on. The heart wishes you could undo what u did, that u should have never fallen in love; the mind knows it’s too late. But the heart is unreasonable. Isn't it?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Strings of Slavery???
Wow, what a lady? i mean how brave a girl and later a lady she was. Arguing with someone as great as Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, if you know him, is next to impossible. But she had the guts to do so, accompnied with her extreme confidence in herself and her views so open and her foresight to everything, so perfect. Yes, I am talking about our beloved "Ba", Kasturba Mohandas Gandhi.
I dont blog often, but when i recently heard someone talking of liberalization of woman and woman still treated in-humanly, i recollected the deeds of this great lady, in times when women were barely allowed to speak. Kasturba as a child was not educated at all, so much so, she didnt even know to read or write. But she had the ability to understand the situation, observe the people around and behave accordingly. She as a lady never felt helpless, whatever situation she was in, sometimes as a wife, sometimes as a mother, n many a times a co-ordinate of Gandhiji. She on one situation, right after her marrying to Mohandas at the age of 9, made it clear to her husband (Mohandas) that she is just not any other girl, who can be dominated by her husband. Undoubtedly, she too thought of her husband as GOD for her, but she expected her husband to maintain a similar image.
Even today, after 60 years of independence, we speak of liberty of women, their rights, the level of freedom they should enjoy bla, bla, bla.... but do you think, the woman of today is really independent. I know, many wont agree to what i say, but the fact remains the fact. there are many brave ladies in this age, who enjoy all the freedom they should and are living their lives Queen size, but what about the majority? here I am not talking of the girls and ladies living in remote areas of the country, but my finger is pointing to the ladies whom we see in local trains, BEST buses, on the roads, in the markets, in shopping malls...... Ask them to self-analyse thier life as to how happy they are, with the type of life they live, and u'll know, as to not even 50% of the ladies will answer positive. Have we ever tried to know the root cause of this problem? Why is the case that man still try supressing women when they walk shoulder to shoulder in every walk of life.
Is it only coz we believe that India is a male dominated country or is there something else? i think one major reason for it is, woman herself isnt aware of what she wants, what she deserves and what is she getting. the day when she gets answer to all these questions, world would be a much better place for her to live in.
wats ur take on it?
I dont blog often, but when i recently heard someone talking of liberalization of woman and woman still treated in-humanly, i recollected the deeds of this great lady, in times when women were barely allowed to speak. Kasturba as a child was not educated at all, so much so, she didnt even know to read or write. But she had the ability to understand the situation, observe the people around and behave accordingly. She as a lady never felt helpless, whatever situation she was in, sometimes as a wife, sometimes as a mother, n many a times a co-ordinate of Gandhiji. She on one situation, right after her marrying to Mohandas at the age of 9, made it clear to her husband (Mohandas) that she is just not any other girl, who can be dominated by her husband. Undoubtedly, she too thought of her husband as GOD for her, but she expected her husband to maintain a similar image.
Even today, after 60 years of independence, we speak of liberty of women, their rights, the level of freedom they should enjoy bla, bla, bla.... but do you think, the woman of today is really independent. I know, many wont agree to what i say, but the fact remains the fact. there are many brave ladies in this age, who enjoy all the freedom they should and are living their lives Queen size, but what about the majority? here I am not talking of the girls and ladies living in remote areas of the country, but my finger is pointing to the ladies whom we see in local trains, BEST buses, on the roads, in the markets, in shopping malls...... Ask them to self-analyse thier life as to how happy they are, with the type of life they live, and u'll know, as to not even 50% of the ladies will answer positive. Have we ever tried to know the root cause of this problem? Why is the case that man still try supressing women when they walk shoulder to shoulder in every walk of life.
Is it only coz we believe that India is a male dominated country or is there something else? i think one major reason for it is, woman herself isnt aware of what she wants, what she deserves and what is she getting. the day when she gets answer to all these questions, world would be a much better place for her to live in.
wats ur take on it?
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